Resolving Conflict In Marriage

Great marriages are not conflict free, they are conflict resolving.  If your intent in conflict is to win, you will always lose.  If your intent is to resolve conflict, everyone can win if you will commit yourself to following some life-changing principles. 

Attack The Issue Not The Person

You will never resolve conflict if your attack is against your spouse and not the issue. So many conflicts quickly move from the issue to the person. Saying things like, "your stupid, ugly, worthless, or any other word that tears down a person, will never help resolve conflict. You must create a mindset that you are attacking the issue… not each other.

Focus on the Issue, Not the Past

You will never resolve conflict if your attack is against all the conflict you have had in the past. It is so important that you stay on the issue your are currently dealing with and you don't dwell on past mistakes. If your weapon of choice is to bring up the past… you will always have unresolved conflict in your future.

Never fake apologize

You will never resolve conflict if your mode of defense is to "fake" apologize. "I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you," will never resolve an issue. If you are going to apologize it must be for what you did, not an excuse.  An apology is about you, not taking a back handed shot at your spouse. 

Never threaten divorce.. Ever

You will never resolve conflict if you race to see who can threaten divorce first. This must be off limits. You must decide to resolve each conflict and never threaten divorce.  Once you begin saying it in conflict, it is a very short step until you begin thinking about it.  Once you start thinking about it, you are not far from acting on it.

Never leave the house

You will never resolve conflict if your mode of operation is to leave the house. Sure, there are times you need to cool off before you talk, but if you leave each conflict you will develop a pattern of running from conflict.  Make a decision that no one is going to leave until you resolve the conflict 

Never get violent

You will never resolve conflict if you respond with violence.  Hitting your spouse will never resolve conflict but neither will hitting walls, doors, or any other object.  There are times when you will get angry, but don't let that anger boil into violence. You will never win.

Commit to resolve conflict in person

There are so many ways to communicate in todays world.  You can tweet, text, facebook, email, and I guess you could still page someone! There is no substitute for looking in each other's eyes and communicating.  There is so much more to communication than the words. You need to see the tears, read your spouse's eyes, hold their hand, and hopefully be able follow up with a hug. You can't do that over a text. Commit now to resolve conflict in person! 

Always confront conflict in love

If you really believe your spouse is "not out to get you," there is no conflict that you can't resolve. That begins with you letting them know that you are not "out to get them." That sets a playing field where everyone knows that love is the basis of all conflict, not winning. 

Make allowance for each other’s faults, 
and forgive anyone who offends you. 
Remember, the Lord forgave you, 
so you must forgive others. 

Colossians 3:13

A Move or A Movement

The Beginning of every great movement begins with a problem that can't be ignored and is worth your life. These problems exist all over the world...

-Water in Africa
-Homelessness
-Sex trafficking

If a group of people gathers around a common solution - something special can happen. Everyone must believe in the solution and be willing to give everything they have to follow the vision. As the leader, if you get people to own the problem and solution, then you will have their hearts... if you just give them tasks, you will only have their hands.

Once a group of people throw their lives into being part of the solution... a movement begins.

Just as quickly as a movement begins... it can end. The enemy of the problem is arrival. When the problem ceases to exist - so does the movement.

The problem that Christians must throw their lives into is simple. "Without Jesus, there is no hope - and the world must hear that message. In every creative medium, every nation, in every tongue... that message must go.

The "sense of arrival" in ministries, buildings, or numbers... kills a movement. If there is no problem, no mission... then there is nothing worth giving your life for... and there could be nothing further from the truth.

This week, Rock Creek Students move into their first Student Ministry Facility. My burden, as the leader, is to make sure that everyone understands that this move - is not the end of the movement but the opportunity for bigger impact.

Do you find yourself apart of a movement? Do you remember when you believed in something so real you would give your life for it? All across the world, people are trying to create movements on things that have no eternal consequence. Christianity has nothing to create. It is the movement of our God that draws us to the highest passion and led his son to the Cross.

The Problem is Simple.

Lost People Need Hope.

The Solution is Simple

Hope has come, He is Christ!

The Next Generation

I have heard many leaders label the next generation of Christ Followers as a "sit and soak" generation.

I challenge that assessment.

The next generation wants to be a part of more than "just church." I believe they want to be a part of a movement worth living for and in some cases, dying for.

Students are volunteering across college campuses at an incredibly increasing rate. The number of college students volunteering grew by 600,000 from 2.7 million in 2002 to 3.3 million in 2005 and is now closing in on 5 million. That is an 85% increase in volunteering since 2002. The next generation wants to believe they be involved in something that matters.

They need leadership. They need to be challenged. They need someone to move them past simply throwing nickels at the worlds problems to getting involved, face-to-face, all across the world.

I decided to put this test with High School and Junior High students this Christmas.

The next generation responded.

The instructions were simple. Dream up something as a life group (guys & girls separated by grades) that will make an impact and then… GIVE!

-12th grade guys raised $3000 by doing yard work and spreading the word--to buy a single mom a new car

-10th grade girls gave their own money, $500, and bought Christmas for a family at Children’s Hospital

-7th grade girls helped decorate nursing home rooms for residents who do not have family.

-10th grade guys collected clothes, towels, and socks for the homeless.

-11th grade guys spent a Friday night investing in 6th grade guys.

The closer we get to the heart of God, the more we realize how much he cares about people and their real needs. The next generation wants to be a part of a passionate, authentic, life changing movement that cares about people and their real needs.

The great news is we don’t have to invent it. It is call Christianity!

Wal-Mart Christianity will never change the world. A group of people who show up once a week, quickly get what they need, pay as little as possible and then get out will never make an impact.

If movement of people will commit to sacrifice their time, gifts, abilities, resources, and all they have for the Gospel… they will become a movement that could change the world… and that is just what the next generation is longing for!

Hope

I was almost finished with the final lighting strand in the backyard, when I heard something running through the woods towards my back fence.

To my shock, there stood a young high school boy… out of breath, tears in his eyes, blood running down his face, and what appeared to be the weight of the world on his shoulders.
“Sir, please don’t shoot me… I need your help.” I said, “Son, what is wrong?” The next sentence out of his mouth changed the course of my life.

“My father is chasing me, and He is trying to kill me. Please help me!”

In that moment… many thoughts go through your head and the first concern was for Courtney, Carson, & Cameron.I told the boy to jump the fence and stay there until I can get my family put in safe place. I ran in the house, moved Courtney and the girls into the closet, and called 911. The next 4 minutes seemed like a lifetime.

The boy and I rushed into the garage and hid behind the trashcan in the corner, waiting patiently for the police.

I will never forget the look in his eyes. Like an abused dog scared of the outreaching hand of a new owner, shaking with his tail between his legs, and scared to make eye contact.

Pride… Gone
Significance… Gone
Respect… Gone
Value… Gone

The reason… a text messaging bill with 10 texts over the limit.

We sat behind that trash and I simply held his head on my shoulder and told him that he was safe now. I would protect him. He had run to the one place where he did not have to be afraid. Finally, I asked, “Is there anything that I can do?”

He looked back, sobbing, with his last bit of pride, lifted his hands and said… “I can’t stop my hands from shaking… will you just hold my hands?” So there we sat…. His Life & Mine Forever Changed.

You don’t go through moments like that without God changing you.

I have long prayed that God would let me see the world the way he sees it and respond they way he would…. I didn’t know what I was praying for. His view is more than I can handle.

This Christmas, I have challenged our students to Give. Food, clean water, socks, towels, clothing, and the list goes on and on. They have responded with more “Give” than I could have ever imagined.

And now I challenge you. The world needs your gifts of food, water, socks, towels, and clothing... but more than those things…. it needs your life!
In the words of one of my favorite Pastors, “We can no longer sit high in our SUV’s, throw nickels at the world’s problems, and expect them to change. We have to invest our life and true giving always requires a sacrifice.”

The message of Christmas is simple.

Christ came. He abandoned the throne to GIVE hope the beaten, abused, lost, afraid, lonely, scared, hopeless, ashamed, sinful men we are.

We must take that message to every part of the world so the boy behind the trash can knows…. HE HAS HOPE! Who in your life needs to hear that message this Christmas?

This Sunday will be my new friends first Sunday to attend Church.

Merry Christmas! Hope Has Arrived!

Gandalf

An angry, defensive, bitter Bilbo; "Why shouldn't I keep it? It's mine, my precious. What business is it of yours what I do with my own things? You want it for yourself!"

"Bilbo Baggins, do not take me as some conjurer of cheap tricks. I am not trying to rob you… I am trying to help you." Gandalf replies.

You can see the warmth and care in Gandalf’s eyes as he looks at a very beat down, guarded, defeated Bilbo. I watched a couple of weeks ago as some students responded to the truth in scripture the exact same way;

-It is just the way I am.
-Everyone is struggling.
-I am doing better than them.
-It is not that big of a deal.
-I am not perfect.
-Why did God make me this way?

With each truth from the Word of God, it seemed their walls went up higher and higher. Having our sin pointed out is never fun, but when we are completely blindsided by truth it can really throw us off.

My challenge is to remember the interaction between Gandalf and Bilbo. God is not trying to rob you of life, happiness, freedom or peace. He is trying to help you.

Simply put, sin=hurt for everyone. If we would just believe that God wants what is best for our lives it would allow us to walk away from some things that we think are “precious.”

One

Last night was one of the proudest moments I have had as a student pastor.

-Life Group Leaders invested in students

-Students invited other students

-the food team cooked until the grills couldn’t cook any more

-parents ran stations with enthusiasm

-and 525 students had the night of their life!

But even that didn’t compare to the message on my facebook when I arrived at home.



“Jason… you don’t know me but we met for a second tonight at The Fest.

I just want you to know that life is tough right now. My Dad left my mom over a year ago and she blames me. I am addicted to drugs, failing out of school, and pretty sure I don’t have any friends. I promised I would never go to church I have been mad at God for as long as I can remember.

I came to Rock Creek for the first time tonight… mainly so I could tell God I gave him one last shot. Let me just tell you that I have never been so welcomed anywhere. I have never seen so many adults who looked happy to see “annoying teenagers” and it seemed as though everyone really loved each other!

I am not sure about this whole Jesus and church stuff but I have to tell you that tonight opened my eyes to something different than anything I have ever felt in my life. I know you don’t know me and I am kinda giving you my life story but do you think I could talk to you sometime this week about my life? If not I understand… thanks for last night!"

That is what the Rock Creek Student Movement is all about!

We would…

Send the invites again.

Spend the money again.

Set up the stations again.

Cook the food again.

WE WOULD DO THE WHOLE NIGHT WITH ALL 525 STUDENTS AGAIN… JUST TO REACH THE ONE!

Finish Empty!

Jason

Just a Box Food

Ring, Ring, Ring.....

"Hello, This is Jason Curry."
"Yes, Pastor Curry, I was wondering if I could talk to you about some food."
"Ok, what can i do for you."
"I am dying of Aids. I have not eaten in three days. Can you help?"
"Of course i can, why don't you come by our Care Center this afternoon and pick up a box."
"I don't have any transportation, is there any way that you get it to me."

....i began thinking about all that i had to do yesterday and not just that but his house was the complete opposite direction of my house. Completely out of my way. But was there really a decision that had to be made? I have not gone three days in my life without out food.

So, I left a little early from work and went to drop of the box. He was unbelievably grateful. He said thank you...over and over again. As i began to get in my car and leave when another man approached me.

"I am trying to get home... i just got done with an interview... could i pay you a couple of bucks for a ride?"

"Nope, but you can ride for free. I am Jason, what is your name."

"My name is Jerry."

"Jerry, get in."

Over the next 10 minutes, Jerry and i began to talk. He was just done with an interview for the National Guard and making a big change in his life. Jerry is married and has three kids and is doing what he can to make it happen for his family. Halfway through the ride, Jerry looked at me and said... "I need some spiritual help... my family needs some spiritual help." I was kicked out of church 7 years ago and have never been back.

I said the next sentence with all the pride in the world.

"Jerry, I go to a church that would welcome you with open arms."

He said, "Even with my race?"

I said the next sentence with even more pride.

"Jerry, I am a part of church that doesn't care about your social status, income, race, or past... we just want to take Jesus as he is to people as they are."

I am overwhelmed that I get to be a part of something where that statement is really true. It doesn't matter where you are from, what the color of your skin is, or how much money is in your pocket.... you are welcome at Rock Creek.

I am looking forward to Sunday Morning. Jerry is meeting me with his family in the Cafe before the second service.

All because God has more in plan than, "just a box of food."

Open your eyes today... take Jesus as He is, to someone as they are.