It has come to my attention that more parents that I realize read this blog. I want to start posting some things that will help you. This entry is the beginning of a section we are starting geared to helping parents on rockcreekstudents.com. So I hope you enjoy the words from Teresa Curry...
A boy’s first love relationship is with his mother, and if it were up to his mother, it would be his last! I have often said that I wish my three boys could be the age of baseball Little Leaguers forever and ever! An age where I could watch them play all the time, they would come home with me every night, and they would not yet be old enough to be totally obsessed with girls. The bittersweet part about parenting is that we spend countless days of physical, emotional, and spiritual energy on the human beings who we must one day release to someone else. It doesn’t seem fair, but it must be fair because it is God’s perfect plan. That is why we must be diligent about preparing them for their roles as strong warriors for Christ, whether they end up being single or as husbands and then, as fathers.
A son’s relationship to his mother is the beginning point for learning how to relate to girls and how he feels about himself as a man. You see, your young son is very insecure about growing up and becoming a man. He is not sure whether this will ever happen or whether he can do it or not. He is not sure he’ll be able to be this strong spiritual leader to impact the kingdom of God. He is not sure he can be a godly man that his wife and children will want to follow. He is starting to move toward manhood, and it is a perilous journey.
Your son does know that one very important person stands in his way between childhood and adulthood. That person is his mother. At first this relationship is very comforting and makes him feel secure. But at some point, I’m sure it’s when hormones kick in, he probably decides that being masculine and being a mama’s boy are enemies. He cannot reconcile in his mind how to be both – so one has to go. Guess who it is?!!? Mama!! So he begins to “cut the apron strings” so he can be released to pursue manhood.
But here’s the conflict…mamas do not want to “cut the apron strings.” We want to hold on as tightly as we can. So…the boy has to struggle even more to cut away. And if you have a young son who has reached puberty, you know that these “cuts” can hurt deeply. These cuts first show up when a son pulls away for the first time when you try to hug him. He is totally embarrassed if you try to kiss him. Or he doesn’t use “sweet talk” anymore and sometimes can be downright hateful. He begins to pretend that he was birthed without a mother and doesn’t want his friends to know you exist. You may also notice that being with and around dad is very important. He is now moving into a stage where he wants to learn about man things. This is especially difficult if you, as his mom, have spent your entire life wrapped up in this boy and have had your needs met through his love and affection, rather than your husband’s and God’s.
So, what must we do? We must begin to communicate to him verbally and non-verbally that we know we must let him go out into the world someday, but that this is a good thing. This launching is healthy. It is a plan that was devised by God, and we have been given the honor of helping them sink or swim. We must communicate that we are not opposed to them having girls as part of their lives – even though our hearts are breaking as we see our son’s attention and affection transferred to another. We will no longer be the total focus or at the top of his list. If you will give your son breathing room and a little space now and begin to let go a little – with joy – he will come back to you. Yes, in a different way, but in the special way that God designed him to be. Once he is secure in the knowledge that he will one day become a man, that his masculinity is intact, he will be secure enough to love his wife, to love his children, and to love you – of course, all in a different way.
My conclusion was that my role as a mom was to help my sons become men – men who were strong spiritual warriors for Christ, men of character, men who would love and care for their wives and children. How could this be done? Where would I start?
One idea actually came from my reading about mothers who had impacted sons in the Christian world. One such mom was Susanna Wesley, mother of John and Charles Wesley, founders of worldwide Methodism and authors of many Christian writings, poems, and hymns. Her sons won tens of thousands of souls to Christ, impacting generations to come. Susanna and her husband, Samuel who was a minister, were married in 1688. She bore between 17 and 19 children; ten survived. Because she wanted to develop a personal relationship with each child, she scheduled a private appointment with each one of them once a week for encouragement and molding of their character.
I decided to try this and use the time to train my children in whatever area seemed to surface at the time. Sometimes these moments happened spontaneously at home; sometimes they had to be planned times with each child. These are some that I remember; mostly going out to eat at McDonald’s, at pizza places, or to a nice restaurant. These did not always happen at night. I’ve scheduled dentist or doctor appointments near lunch and then taken them back to school after we ate together. We have gone to movies, professional baseball games and Razorback football games. I even talked one into going to see the musical “Oklahoma” at Hendrix College. OK, so he didn’t make it until intermission! There were, after all, 14 songs, complete with live orchestra and dancing and singing!
The main purpose of this time alone was to focus on the child. Sometimes there were no deep conversations. Other times I was able to look deep into his eyes and by listening carefully to get to know him, his needs and his fears. I believe it was the world-famous Christian psychologist and author, Dr. James Dobson, who said that children have an emotional “gas tank”. It is drained each and every day by negative influences and negative friends. Parents can spend time with their children; loving (including hugs and kisses, whatever is age appropriate), supporting and encouraging. These actions fill up their “gas tanks.” These tanks represent how secure they are with who they are. If they feel confident and healthy about who they are, then they don’t have to seek out other ways to get filled, some of which may be very negative and detrimental to their emotional well-being. They are not as dependent on what others think. They are not as emotionally needy.
But how can this be lived out in a practical way? One of the areas I wanted to concentrate on was teaching my boys how to treat girls and relate to them in a healthy way. Any time I could work it in the conversation, we talked about the kind of girl they should spend time with, always aware that this girl could possibly be their future wife. I had prayed for their future wives since they were infants. When they were quite young, we may have referred to these times as “dates.” As they got older, I had to drop the date word, and just say, for example, “How about we go get something to eat?” This is one of my favorite things to do. Besides spending time with each son, I wanted to begin to teach them about social manners; how to order from a menu, put your napkin in your lap, to know which piece of silverware to use, how to summon a waiter, how to figure a tip and pay the bill. I also wanted to teach them how to treat a girl with respect in any setting; opening the door, pulling out a chair, carrying on a conversation, looking people in the eyes. Much of this was modeled by their dad, but I wanted them to have a real-life experience.
If you have been around Jason Curry any length of time, you know that he is a natural born leader – he loves to be in charge. Part of this is a natural desire to become a man. So when we would go out to eat (I believe we frequently went to Dixie Café on Geyer Springs Rd.), I would make every effort to make him feel like he was the man in charge for the evening and my date. I would defer to him and let him talk to the hostess. I would show him how to let me go ahead of him to the table and then see that I was seated first. Sometimes we talked about school, sports and sometimes nothing important at all. Other times he knew I was teaching him something he’d need to know about dating or being the man in charge. Jason was very young when we had this time together, but you should have seen how grown up he could act and look when he was giving the waitress the money for our bill.
But more importantly, I was sending him messages; (1)I know you will eventually have a relationship with a young woman and that’s OK – that is a good thing. (2) I have no doubt you will grow up to be a man who can be the leader of your family and make an important impact in God’s kingdom, whatever that looks like. I was “cutting the apron strings”. I was saying, “I am going to release you to grow up; and, if you’ll let me, I’d like to be part of that process. I am not going to fight your growing up. I am going to help you accomplish it.
This is a difficult thing for a mom to handle: that our son will leave us one day, and leave us for another woman! I remember one Valentine’s Day when my youngest, Josh, and Jason and I were in the kitchen for breakfast. I had actually helped my oldest son, Chris, and Jason buy candy and a valentine for their sweethearts. See, I was communicating that relationships with girls are OK. But Jason’s comment threw me for a loop! He was in the sixth grade. The youngest son still believed what I had drilled into his brain, “My heart belongs to mom”. Well, I knew Jason’s heart was throbbing for another. I said to him, “Well, at least I still have one sweetheart left (my youngest), because you and Chris have found new sweethearts.” Jason didn’t miss a beat, he said, “That’s because my male testosterone has kicked in!” I’m sure my mouth dropped open in disbelief. I quickly said, “You don’t even know what that is.” He quickly replied, “Yes I do, we learned in health class that testosterone is a chemical in my body and when it kicks in, I will become attracted to girls!” Well, believe me, he was right! And I spent the day doing a lot of research for myself on “testosterone” and decided my teaching and training had better kick into a different gear!
Our children catch us off-guard all the time don’t they? I even get kisses from my adult boys now. I do want to encourage you moms about these special little surprises. Your boys will probably come back to you some day, not for good, but for short, sweet times. Once they feel secure in their manhood and how that relates to life and women, they will feel safe in their relationship to you. They will see that they can love a woman and mom – both at the same time, but in distinctly different ways.
My boys are now ages 28, 26 and 23. The two oldest sons are now married, each to a woman who loves God with a pure heart and is a perfect mate for each of them. I go out on lots of dates with their dad, always enjoying soaking up my husband’s full attention, but also knowing that their dad is modeling for my sons how to treat a wife. But don’t think for a minute I wouldn’t like to go out on a date with my married sons. But these sons know that I know that their wives are their first priority, yes even over me and rightly so. God said that’s the way it’s supposed to be. So I still enjoy our telephone conversations, e-mails, sweet kisses on the cheek and hugs, hearing “I love you”, and watching them love on their wives and children. I still try to go on a date with my single son. I don’t call it that, but after all, what is a date: two people, spending time together, enjoying each other’s company. These dates started in early childhood and have continued into adulthood. During the summer, my 23 year old son and I went to see the Arkansas Travelers play baseball. How happy was my heart as a mom during that evening? That’s a pretty secure young, single man who can walk into a professional ballpark – in front of God and everybody – with his mom. I pray and hope that these type relationships can develop in your family as well, so you can release your son into the world as a strong Christian warrior, a son who will never let go of a deep love for his mother.
